The Art of Learning from Leadership Mistakes
Insights you'll find in this article...
- The psychological underpinnings of shame and the results
- The cycle of reaction to a mistake and how to break it
- How to acquire the superpower of emotional mastery
Navigating Leadership Mistakes with Emotional Resilience
When leaders face pressure and need to account for mistakes, such as a delayed document or a hiring decision that didn't pan out (or even worse), their first instinct is often to feel shame. This reaction typically stems from internalizing the error as a reflection of their worth, leading to a misguided perspective where a mistake is seen as a measure of one's character.
This raises an important question: Why do we associate our identity with certain actions or failures and not others? While delving into this question can provide deep psychological insights, it may not offer immediate relief in moments of shame, anxiety, or worry.
A more pragmatic approach is needed for people grappling with these emotions because we often respond reflexively—either by withdrawing and isolating ourselves or by overcompensating through boastfulness or control. These actions, though aimed at keeping shame at bay, do not serve us well in the long run.
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I want emotional resilience!The Psychological Underpinnings of Shame in Leadership
Leadership, by its very nature, places individuals in a spotlight where every decision and action is magnified. This visibility, coupled with the inherent responsibilities of guiding teams and making critical decisions, sets a fertile ground for the emotion of shame to take root, especially when outcomes fall short of expectations.
Shame is a complex emotion that transcends mere personal disappointment; it involves the perception of oneself through the eyes of others.
In leadership, where actions are highly visible, the weight of collective expectations can make the experience of shame more intense.
This is more than feeling bad for a mistake. It also incorporates fearing how that mistake is viewed by peers, superiors, and subordinates. It's the worry that one's professional misstep might be seen as a reflection of their character or competence.
Leadership and the Weight of Expectations
The role of a leader inherently comes with a set of expectations, both self-imposed and from others.
When leaders face challenges or make mistakes, the discrepancy between these expectations and reality can amplify feelings of shame. It's a cycle fueled by the (mostly internal) belief that leaders must always be right, that they must always know the way forward. This unrealistic standard can make every mistake feel like a monumental failure, rather than a natural part of the learning and improvement process.
One of the most critical aspects of leadership psychology is how leaders internalize their mistakes.
For some, a professional error becomes a marker of personal failure, a sign that they, as individuals, are flawed. This internal narrative is particularly damaging because it shifts the focus from the mistake itself—a correctable, external event—to the self, an integral part of one's identity.
The distinction between having failed and being a failure is crucial yet often overlooked. Embracing a growth mindset, where mistakes are seen as opportunities for learning, can significantly alter this internal dialogue, fostering resilience and a more constructive approach to setbacks.
Cultural and Organizational Influences
The broader cultural and organizational context also plays a significant role in shaping our responses to mistakes. In environments where perfection is prized and failure is stigmatized, the shame associated with mistakes can be overwhelming.
Conversely, cultures that value transparency, learning, and growth create a safer space for leaders to navigate their errors without the crippling weight of shame. Psychological safety, a climate in which individuals feel free to express themselves without fear of negative consequences, is key to fostering such an environment. It allows leaders to own their mistakes openly, learn from them, and move forward more effectively.
This exploration into the psychological aspects of leadership and shame sets the stage for a deeper discussion on how leaders can manage their emotional responses to mistakes, ensuring that these inevitable parts of the leadership journey become opportunities for progress rather than sources of enduring shame.
The Reflexive Responses to Mistakes
When confronted with mistakes, it's human nature to react in ways that are instinctual and immediate, driven by the deep-seated desire to shield ourselves from the discomfort of shame. These reflexive responses, while natural, can sometimes exacerbate the situation, leading to a cycle that hinders personal progress and effective leadership.
Withdrawal and Isolation
One common reaction to the realization of a mistake or failure is to withdraw and isolate oneself to varying degrees. This response is rooted in the fear of judgment and the desire to avoid further scrutiny. Leaders might retreat into themselves, hoping to escape the spotlight and, by extension, the shame associated with their error. However, this approach can lead to missed opportunities for feedback and learning, creating a barrier to personal and professional development.
Overcompensation through Boastfulness or Control
On the opposite end of the spectrum, some leaders respond to mistakes with overcompensation. This can manifest as boastfulness, where a leader might amplify their successes to overshadow their errors, or through an increased need for control, where they tighten their grip on decision-making to prevent future mistakes. While these responses might offer a temporary reprieve from feelings of shame, they can also alienate team members and create an environment of distrust and reduced collaboration.
The Cycle of Reaction
These reflexive responses create a cycle of reaction that can be difficult to break. The immediate move to either withdraw or overcompensate prevents leaders from engaging with the mistake in a constructive manner. Instead of learning from the error and moving on, the cycle of reaction focuses on managing the external perception of the mistake, often at the cost of genuine expansion and understanding.
Breaking the Cycle
To move beyond these reflexive responses, leaders need to develop strategies that allow them to pause and reflect before reacting. This involves recognizing the initial impulse to withdraw or overcompensate and consciously choosing a different path. By breaking the cycle of reaction, leaders can approach their mistakes with a mindset geared towards self-compassionate improvement, rather than defense and preservation.
In the next section, we will explore the concept of emotional transience and how understanding this can help leaders manage their feelings of shame more effectively, allowing them to break free from the cycle of reflexive responses and engage with their mistakes in a more constructive and growth-oriented manner.
Embracing Emotional Transience
The intensity of emotions that follow a mistake sometimes feels overwhelming, leading to the reflexive responses discussed earlier. However, a key concept that can aid us in navigating these turbulent emotional waters is understanding the transient nature of emotions.
The 90-Second Rule of Emotions
Neuroscience research suggests that the physiological lifespan of an emotion in the body and brain is about 90 seconds. (See this PsychologyToday article) This rule implies that the raw emotion, the initial physiological response, dissipates after this short period. What often prolongs an emotional experience is not the emotion itself but our reactions to it, including the stories we tell ourselves about the event that triggered the emotion.
This throws us back into that emotion again, and again, and again.
Recognizing the transient nature of our emotions can be empowering. When faced with the shame or frustration of a mistake, understanding that the intense emotional response is temporary can provide us a sense of control and calm. It allows us to acknowledge our feelings without being overwhelmed by them or allowing these emotions to dictate our actions. I typically work with my clients to help them understand that the emotion is normal (yes, normal!) and learn to process it in the moment.
Avoiding Emotional Triggers
A crucial aspect of managing emotions effectively is avoiding the continuous triggering of the initial emotion. In the context of a mistake, continuously ruminating on the error, its consequences, or the judgment of others can re-trigger the emotional response, keeping us in a state of distress. Instead, acknowledging the mistake, accepting the emotion without judgment, and then shifting focus to constructive next steps can help in moving past the emotional turmoil.
The Power of Mindful Pausing
Integrating a mindful pause before responding to a mistake can significantly alter the course of action. This pause allows us to experience the emotion without immediately reacting to it, providing space for a more measured and constructive response. It's about giving oneself permission to feel the emotion, let it pass, and then engage with the situation from a place of clarity and rationality.
Practical Steps for Embracing Emotional Transience
- Acknowledge the Emotion: Recognize and name the emotion you're feeling without judgment.
- Allow the Emotion to Exist: Give yourself 90 seconds to fully experience the emotion, knowing it will pass.
- Shift Focus: After the emotion has peaked, consciously shift your focus to constructive thoughts or actions.
- Reflect: Once the emotional intensity has subsided, reflect on the mistake objectively to identify learning opportunities.
BTW, the Remarkable Resilience Routine mentioned earlier can help you with this.
By embracing the transient nature of emotions, leaders can navigate the aftermath of mistakes with greater resilience and clarity. This approach not only helps you, but also sets a powerful example for your team, fostering a culture where mistakes are viewed as opportunities for learning rather than triggers for shame and blame.
In the following section, we'll delve into the practical application of these concepts, exploring how you can implement strategies to break the cycle of reflexive responses and engage with mistakes in a constructive, development-oriented manner.
If some of this sounds familiar, you might see your own reflection in what Kim Radcliffe, SVP of Clinical & Product Development, worked through:
"I was always seeking approval from other people. Stacy helped me to move from thinking that I am good enough and have confidence to actually feeling it and believing it. I'm able to use the tools she gave me in many facets of my life, including with my teenage daughter."
The Power of Pause
Let’s expand on that 90 seconds. The ability to pause before reacting to a mistake is a powerful tool. This deliberate act of pausing creates a crucial space for reflection and can significantly alter the course of one's response to challenging situations.
Creating Space for Reflection
Pausing allows you to step back from the immediacy of your emotions and the situation at hand. This space provides the opportunity to assess the mistake objectively, consider its implications more accurately, and formulate a constructive response. Here you get to move from a reactive to a reflective state, where decisions are made based on thoughtful consideration rather than emotional impulse. But it's a tactic that takes practice.
Halting the Cycle of Reaction
The act of pausing is instrumental in halting the cycle of reflexive responses discussed earlier. By not immediately succumbing to the urge to withdraw, defend, or overcompensate, you can prevent the exacerbation of the issue. This moment of pause can be the difference between a response that compounds the problem and one that leads to resolution and growth.
Strategies for Implementing the Pause
- Breathing Techniques: Simple breathing exercises can help calm the immediate physiological response to stress, creating mental clarity and emotional calmness. The 'physiological sigh' is my personal favorite. I even put a notification on my phone to practice it every day (which then reminds me to take advantage of the physiological sigh when I really need it).
- Asking Reflective Questions: You can ask yourself questions like, "What can I learn from this?" or "How can I address this constructively?" to shift focus from emotional reaction to problem-solving. I'm constantly using the "I'm curious..." beginning. Curiosity is nonjudgmental...whew!
- Seeking Perspective: Taking a moment to first distance yourself from the situation by looking at it from a third-party perspective provides a great vantage point. Then you can rationally discuss the situation with a trusted advisor or mentor who might provide new insights and prevent hasty decisions.
The Benefits of Pausing
The benefits of pausing extend beyond the immediate situation. Over time, this practice can lead to improved emotional regulation, better decision-making, and stronger relationships within the team. Leaders who master the art of pausing are seen as more thoughtful, resilient, and capable of navigating the complexities of leadership with grace.
Practical Steps to Navigate Mistakes with Emotional Resilience
Having explored the psychological underpinnings of shame, the reflexive responses to mistakes, and the importance of embracing emotional transience, we now turn to actionable strategies. These practical ideas can help you navigate mistakes with emotional resilience.
Cultivate a Growth Mindset
- Embrace Learning: View each mistake as a learning opportunity, a stepping stone towards improvement and mastery. Easier said than done, of course. If you want help with this, perhaps explore how coaching can guide you to where you want to be.
- Encourage Curiosity: Approach mistakes with curiosity rather than judgment, asking, "What can I learn from this?" rather than "Why did I do that?"
Develop Self-Compassion
- Practice Self-Kindness: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend in a similar situation.
- Normalize Mistakes: Recognize that mistakes are a universal part of the human experience and leadership journey.
Enhance Emotional Intelligence
- Reflect on Emotional Responses: Take time to reflect on your emotional reactions to mistakes and consider alternative responses you might choose in the future.
- Manage Stress: Implement stress management techniques, such as deep breathing, meditation, or physical exercise, to maintain emotional balance.
Foster Open Communication
- Seek Feedback: Make it a habit to request constructive criticism from colleagues, mentors, and particularly those beyond your organization to broaden your viewpoints. However, approach this advice judiciously. Remain receptive to input without falling into the trap of constantly seeking out flaws within yourself or relying excessively on others for validation. Seek out individuals who are candid yet considerate in their feedback.
- Promote Psychological Safety: Create an environment where team members (and yourself) feel safe to express ideas, raise concerns, and admit mistakes without fear of retribution.
Implement Reflective Practices
- Journaling: Keep a reflective journal to document mistakes, emotional responses, and the lessons learned from each experience.
- Regular Review: Set aside time for regular review of past mistakes and the growth achieved since then, reinforcing the positive outcomes of embracing and learning from errors.
💡 PRO TIP: A leadership journal or planner is ideal for these! Here are a few good options.
Planning for Future Growth
- Set Development Goals: Use insights gained from mistakes to set specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time-bound (SMART) goals for personal and professional development.
- Engage in Continuous Learning: Commit to ongoing learning through courses, workshops, and other educational opportunities to enhance leadership skills and competencies. Be sure to apply these learnings rather than simply consume them.
By integrating one or even a few of these practical steps into your leadership approach, you can transform the way you perceive and respond to mistakes. Rather than being sources of shame and embarrassment, mistakes become valuable lessons that contribute to your emotional resilience and overall effectiveness. This shift not only benefits you as the leader but also creates a ripple effect, fostering a culture of growth, openness, and innovation within your team and organization.
Transforming Mistakes into Stepping Stones
You and I both know mistakes are inevitable. They are the byproducts of the risks we take and the decisions we make in the complex, ever-changing landscapes of our professional lives.
However, the true measure of a leader is not in the absence of mistakes but in the response to them.
Through understanding the psychological underpinnings of shame, recognizing reflexive responses, waiting for the transience of emotions, and harnessing the power of pause, you can navigate your mistakes with grace and resilience.
Mistakes, when approached with emotional intelligence and a growth mindset, transform from sources of shame to valuable stepping stones (sometimes I call the 'skipping stones' 😉) towards greater wisdom and strength. They become opportunities to deepen our self-awareness, enhance our decision-making, and strengthen our connections with those we lead. By shifting our perspective on mistakes and managing our emotional responses to them, we not only elevate our own leadership but also set a powerful example for others to follow.
As we conclude this exploration into navigating leadership mistakes with emotional resilience, I encourage you to not only apply these insights to your own leadership journey but also to share this article with at least one other leader in your network. Many leaders have this internal battle with themselves, and you might never know it!
By spreading this knowledge, we can foster a culture of compassionate, resilient leadership that values growth and learning over perfection. Together, let's redefine what it means to lead effectively in the face of challenges and evolve our collective approach to mistakes and growth.
Remember, the path to exceptional leadership is paved with the lessons learned from each misstep. Embrace them, learn from them, and continue to lead with courage and resilience.
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